I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Randomize
