i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Randomize
