I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
