My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
my nick name has gotton too long over the years..C.T.P.S.G.F.P.G.......cock tease private school groupie frat party groupie.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
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