The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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