dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
