I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Randomize
