My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Randomize
