Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
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