I think i sorta joined a cult last night
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize
