The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
There are leaves in my underwear?
Randomize
