I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
Randomize
