Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Randomize
