i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
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