Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
