Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
Oh god it's open bar.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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