Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
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