areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
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