Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
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