When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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