I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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