yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
