i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Randomize
