ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
