Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
