i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
