Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
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