I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
