Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
