Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
