if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
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