i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
