you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
