Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize