I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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