why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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