It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize
