Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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