I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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