You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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