just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
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