My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
he was CRYING into my vagina
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
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