I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
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