I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Randomize
