Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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