we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Randomize
