I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
