just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
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