He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
Randomize
