i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
