ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
