dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
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