i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Why are your pants in the freezer?
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
