Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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